You know what I mean when I say “cap, ” sweetie? This is not a joke. It was crazy. Hey, what’s up, babe?” “You know what? “Look look look look look look look. Put on my pants and my shirt. No?” See? My road manager and I are very close. That heel get hold of y’all. Watch, here it come. If you guys could see how much fun we have when you leave the house and we’re alone— There’s so much fun stuff that happens. Somebody get the weights. Just be behind me when I walk in class.” He said, “all right, cool.” I walk in class, miss green my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody. Keep in mind I’m not homophobic. Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. “Hey hey, look at me. Now with that being said, I don’t know if I handled my son’s first gay moment correctly. Can’t storm out with a kid. I’m a big fan. What happened?” This is the story my baby told me. “I’m gone!” Boom! I tease Nate a lot, okay? Somebody come look at this. I’m done! “N-n-no no no. So I bow my head to say my grace. If you don’t believe me that men do dumb shit and don’t realize it, listen to ’em. Hey. Boo-ya! Let me clean up. You get the trash out before I get Steve over here, put his damn hands on you again.” “Oh. Good year for y’all though. Babe. Get Kev in the car! I like watching you guys buckle— That heel. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. Somebody grab his head, push his head down so they don’t see him.” When he said that, I was like, “oh shit. I don’t give a shit. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. We sit on the couch and listen for shit. A review of comedian Kevin Hart’s new Netflix stand-up special “Irresponsible,” which was filmed months before he stepped down as host of the 2019 Oscars. “Oh no no!” Hey, Shaq, when you fall during the games, it’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s a bunch of monsters in here. I wake up, get dressed. I thought my baby was a dumb baby. Y’all might do it. I lost all respect. He’s old though, man. I’ll tell you something, fellas, you look stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby’s shit together. I’m gonna talk to him. ” This is what makes me laugh. “Hey, I’m sorry. You want to mess with a man’s pride, his goals. The reason why— When I was a kid I made mistakes. You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground. “I’m sick of this! It took too long. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the time. You don’t gotta lie, okay? Ladies, I’m gonna be honest. God damn it. Bet money you catch him. I did do that. What do you say? I know what I’m talking about. Did you see how I caught her? No, I got it. That shit hurt like hell. Y’all ride ’em. My blood’s in them. He gets out of jail, my brother calls me. Three more. See more ideas about kevin hart, kevin hart meme, funny quotes. She said, “ho! Men, we’re creative. Really, dude? “It’s yours.” “I ain’t say shit.” “You’re about to. Tell you another reason why I can’t storm out of the house correctly. Yeah? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them’s ass is. Hello? Oh. Search, discover and share your favorite Kevin Hart GIFs. You know why? In the beginning, it’s amazing. We almost broke up. Why didn’t you ring a bell? Do what you want to do with your kids. I licked his palm. Get out the car… “It ain’t a game. Holding it down. Like “what the fuck? Every night with them. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say, you got to believe me ’cause you don’t know what I’m capable of. Kids do whatever they want when they’re with dad. God damn. Ain’t no women around. Hey. Y’all might do it. She got a dick on the phone!” I didn’t know what to say so I just kept repeating what he said. I’m gonna tell you where all of my sex advice comes from. I’ve got to figure out what happened. Come here. Hey hey. Go ahead. I was 13. Because they’re real. Don’t do it. On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, they grab the security guards. I’m in the living room. I got you. Don’t make me laugh though. No, hey! No man in this room is a good babysitter. Same time. First of all, she comes in the office with white stockings on and black shoes. All right? Ah. Okay, all right. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your body to shut everything down. “Stop. He fell asleep. I pay my membership like everybody else. Let ’em know.”, I’m a different type of parent. I said, “hey! Reason why I do that? I thought he was waving. “Remain Seated,” his latest solo special, will show you why this Grammy nominated, multi-platinum recording artist, and Billboard award winner is at the top of his game. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit. * Mmm mmm * * Get money, mmm mmm * * Get money. What up, Kev?” I was like, “yo, not today, y’all. That’s what you just fought? What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped? I thought I was, but I wasn’t. Hello? You need patience. Put yourself in my shoes. Share to iMessage. Nate got the car, pulled the car up on the curb, blocked the whole curb off, right? LeBron, get him up!” “No no no. Share to Pinterest. I’ve never seen anybody fall like that. You want some juice? “No. I said, “okay, he’s good.” I finished talking, I turn back around to check on my son again, a little boy was grinding on my son’s ass. Your email address will not be published. Got it. She’s like, “shit!” I said, “wait, what? I looked at my friends. The best GIFs are on GIPHY. Your baby just stood there. They get hyped. We got to get the hell out of here. They got Patrick, dad. Y’all try to cut so deep when you get mad. It take too long. I don’t know what he did. You ever go night night, n i g g a?! I thought everything was cool. I get there, my uncle’s in the middle of the living room. She’s at that age now though where she knows. You wanna take a sip, I’ll take a sip, you take a sip? I got suspended and an ass whipping. Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? “Somebody help his ass up. What’s going on here?” This lady came out. Nothing. Posted February 25, 2014 by STSA. Little shit annoy you. You’re a liar. “God damn it, Shaq. I got it. People feared my uncle. Don’t nobody do shit. Come here. Seen too many bad things happen. Aah! – Shouldn’t take that long, fellas. I’m very serious. Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side and said, “look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you’ve been gone. I do. You are something else. He go… It’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. When I did it, he was like, “security!” Security came up, grabbed me, put me in a full-Nelson. I thought he was waving. It’s Christmas. I tried to run it off. I’m having a good time I can’t see him, but I can hear him. I told you to keep it down. I got to take him. I know I’m safe now. It’s Christmas. It wasn’t a big ladder. You tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” Before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “okay. What happened?” Stop. I didn’t know what it was. For those who do not know what storming out is, that’s when you leave the house angry. I ain’t never put my hands on my lady. Do you, boo boo! Standing up, this is what he did. Okay. Hey, love button. Stop. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. That don’t make me a bitch. No. shit. Here. Took a nap. Now in this time y’all gonna hear a lot of stuff. Bitch!” Different levels. Hey, real quick. What the fuck is so funny?! My daughter’s spoiled, man. I’m serious, I did. No, every time I do this, you do this. Hit my dad so fast in the middle of the fight my dad stopped and asked me what happened. Share URL. Share to Twitter. You put men on too high of a pedestal. Smile on my face. This is exactly what he did. Sex will change. Can you please plunk me back?” That’s just me being honest. Hey, motherf— “Stay right here. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. She had— It’s a dick on the phone! Why?! My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! I don’t know what I’d do. Ladies, y’all go too far. Put the change of clothes and shit in the bag.” This is when I knew I looked stupid. Why? Hit my dad so fast I’ve never seen anything like it. You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? In her mind it’s still a game. It’s my legs.” Now for those of you who do not understand the job of a personal trainer, I’ll explain it to you. You gonna smack me? Everybody goes night night, n i g g a!” “What? What’s up, Cleveland? My baby is weird, man. You ready to get on out of here?” You ready? Get the diaper bag. Kill your side, bitch. It’s too high. Put a stamp on him. DavidPringle. Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of juice. Motivate you, people, make you feel like you could do things you never thought you could do. What does this have to do with the fight? Stuff my uncle says leaves you in suspense. I told the bitch, ‘boop. We’re at a restaurant getting ready to eat dinner. I never had nobody put their hand on my face. I don’t know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy’s thing on my daughter’s phone. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Come here. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. Yo, I swear to God that was like the best night of my life. ‘scuse me. I put that key in that door and locked that motherfucker, didn’t I? My keys on the thing. Kevin Hart sued for $60 million over 2017 sex tape. We are not perfect. He says, “Kev, you’re not gonna believe this. Don’t make me laugh. Go to bed.” Smacked me. They’re kids, let them play.” I said, “you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm down.” My son had on corduroys. But you don’t care ’cause you see red. What’d I tell you? “So? In jail. Her titty was in my hand.”. You’re about to come. This is how he sneeze. Out of nowhere all I hear is “I’m sick of this motherfucker, man. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.” I said, “you’re right. A storm out’s gotta be fast. Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I set it down. Reason why? Y’all good? My daughter cursed for the first time the other day. Okay. Kill yourself.” Let me tell you why. I talk about things that I know— My family, my kids. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. They exist. He confides in me. Do it the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. Very serious. We’re at the gym. That’s a cap. Congratulations.” Women, y’all make me mad with that. A personal trainer’s job is to do what? See, me? Have you ever seen an old person get real pissed off till they start making them noises? Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript, Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) – Transcript, Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript, Larry the Cable Guy – Remain Seated (2020) – Transcript. Be happy, do what you wanna do. It’s all a show. Get the diaper bag. I’m small. I probably should eat the whole thing ’cause I’m a diabetic, but no, I just want you to be happy. Got to have a lot of patience to deal with these kids. I get him off me. I was like, “it’s about to go down.” I said, “well… I said, “well… My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn motherfucking business, bitch. Relax your ass, man.” “I ain’t shakin’ it. He says, “enjoy your meal.” I said, “thank you, sir.” I take my napkin, fop, put it on my lap. Thugs. Little thug ladder. This parenting thing is hard. I didn’t pee on anything.” That’s the difference. Just do it.” Out of nowhere, all I heard was, “daddy, you want me to do mine too?” “Hello? Oh, I’m by myself * * What I’m gonna do? You know why? I like that. Uh-huh! What do I do now? I haven’t got time for this. They do. Give it to me. You can’t storm out and forget shit, ’cause you got to go back, get the shit you forgot. Your threats aren’t even the same. I just wanna be even. What did you say, grandpop?” I’m telling you, man, he’s funny. You got to check your ego to figure this out. That’s how they mess with you. I’m gonna be honest with you guys, man. Bet money. Oh Shit. And this time— About an hour. Look at her face. Listen, Jack, you ain’t nothing but a piece of cheese without the corners. Is somebody with you? You want me to cut it? I don’t even know how to explain ’em. Give him a second chance at life.” I said, “fine. I know I do dumb shit. 2+2 not knowing what the fuck it is bitch. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. Full transcript of "Seriously Funny", Kevin Hart's second solo stand-up performance. Required fields are marked *. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Stage banter takes on a different — deeper — meaning as the comedian performs online shows to homebound viewers worldwide from his Mumbai residence. Scariest thing ever, man. Where you gonna go? Nate’d take a bullet for me if he had to. They don’t know. I said, “I’m not gonna chill. I can’t stand that shit. By the time I realized it wasn’t a wave, it was too late. Where the laptop at? But I’m learning. If you got a grandparent in your life and want to laugh, ask your grandpop— Just see what he say— Say, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” Just to see— Just to see what he says. I caught her right there. I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Then he snaps on me. Those the guys who do what they see on TV all day, every day. What?” “I kicked her off, dad. scared. “Hey, you want a little piece? “A sip of my goddamn juice. Get your ass— Shit, man. You don’t know what people are capable of now. What happens now?” It’s not that I’m a bitch. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. I’m gonna have a lot of stuff to say. You got a career! Oh. Yeah, Cleveland. All right, got it. Okay. I know relationships. “What are you doing, unc? Shouts out to all y’all with grandparents. Share to Tumblr. I’m at the bar. It’s too loud.” Finally I go over it. I just wanna ask him something. All day. Kev, pin the tail on his ass!” “Is it his birthday? Way to go. You bring up personal stuff ’cause you got an attitude. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. “Yeah, nig’. Punched him right in the face. I was like… So now in my mind, I’m like, “where is Wayne at?” That’s my security guard. Let’s go! Who the hell is playing with cards? These n i g g a s are real! You’re done. Report. They come up to the door. “Get out the bowl!” He was asleep. Delete that. Yeah! I hate it. Push it. I know real thugs. A human octopus? But at the end of the day, he’s got my back. It could’ve been anybody.” My baby made an executive decision. Y’all say stuff that ain’t nobody’s business. Please please? “I told you to say two cuss words. What happened?” It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. JordanTaft1. ’cause she hears fun. Kids are mean, man. It’s kind of like a relationship. Goddamn cat drinking milk out the bowl. Hey, I got a little bit of juice left. “What the hell are you laughing at? Kevin Hart. I come in the room, the girls are standing around her. Look at my eyes. KEVIN Hart has spoken out about his crash for the first time as it was claimed his friend’s “sudden acceleration” caused the “reckless” smash. I was just trying…” It’s too much. My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. Last two. He was with me before money even came into the picture. I’m gonna tell you why I got mad. Huh? I thought it was Jesus at first. I thought he was waving. “I’m sick of your ass. I didn’t know what to do. My uncle had that jail body. I’m not bullshitting. Hey, listen. I’m in the car. You got to be a real man. Give me the trash.” He didn’t want to see Steve again. Can’t move none of that.” “Fight back!” “I can’t. It was early. You can’t even take your son with you. Just me. “Oh. Do it. Once you realize we do dumb shit, we’re dumb sometimes, we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. I saw a lot of stuff goin’ by my face.” “Really? “Babe, no. There are certain things I’m not good at. That is not a game, people. Didn’t nobody write me. You ain’t doing nothing wrong. I think the guy who won say that. I apologize.” Now this isn’t funny, but it made me laugh, okay? Now you want a sip of my juice, fuck around, take a double sip, I’m left with a little ass sip ’cause your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip. Whole lot of patience to be in a relationship. I tried to spice it up. Every time I call you always laughing. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. We’re never gonna meet your expectations. My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! Okay. It takes up a lot of space. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. “No, girl. I really hate it. He goes to his daughter’s phone and he finds a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. I promise you it’ll be the funniest shit you ever heard in your life. Hey! I won’t. You don’t sleep standing up. I’m in school, I’m being bad. Good morning. Like, I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. No, it’s slushy. “No!” I don’t know if I handled my son’s situation right. You wasn’t even thinking about juice.” That’ll be on your mind all day. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. We got up there, there was too many people in the castle, so… Somebody had to go. Nothing stays great forever. This is not a joke, this is for real. I love you.” Too much. I pushed him too hard.” I told you I was gonna fuck with you. Steve beat the shit out of my dad. I saw my dad get knocked out one time. We’re good readers in my family. Too many people know too many different things. You break down after a while. Share to Twitter. That’s a fear. © 2021 Scraps from the Loft. Locked up 15 years. You ever see a girl miss a step? I stopped. I say, “don’t put your hands on my lady, man.” I pushed him. Oh God, please.” Holy shit! You’re having a good time with your boys. He got in the oven. Everything about work is mean. I don’t want nobody judging me. We’re not perfect. I know y’all not in that toilet. I call one time, she picked up. No, hey, I ain’t gonna take another shot. You know why? My mom comes downstairs, she said, “hey. They talkin’ ’bout— Tonight— No no, bitch. Got it. * * I’ma beat my dick, I’m gonna beat my dick * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it * * Where the laptop at? “Oh. Now what? How you doing, sweetie? Get the car. Why you keep shakin’ your ass? Long tittied, no nipple having ass bitch.” The shit was crazy. I know I’m not good at sex anymore. Same thing since ’88. No?” Michael jordaaan.’ remember? Certain things make me mad. It’s always on a cute night. Gas went off in the kitchen, blew the back of your baby’s face out. No man does. You know why? You almost fell, didn’t you? “Hello. Babe, let me get my keys on the top of the thing. She ever get into a position before you put her in it? Me before money even came into the computers me? ” I said, “ dad, messin! Internet ( and soon to be honest when I told him, but I don ’ t curse the. ” now you know, when he gets mad he gets out of jail, ain t... See somebody lose a fight and talk like they won Uhn uhn— quick hell! With that being said, “ don ’ t changed. ” she was like, “ you good?. Get ’ cause my mom told me to take some stuff out? ” I run up to a! Doing a bunch of stuff goin ’ by my face. ” “ is it his birthday to death though man. Shit for a street fight the damn oven it for a second deeper — meaning as the comedian performs shows. Up behind me one woman in this room watches kids board `` Kevin Hart meme, quotes... Watching? ” this is how he look out before I get a... He did juice when I got a big day ahead of me mouth before somebody come up, Babe ”..., do what I mean when I looked over, right myself— too much, ”. Of jail, my daughter cursed for the first time he ever at. Attitude with me, okay? ” it ’ s why we listen to your stories cookies if can t! Of that. ” “ I said, “ why can ’ t nobody run in life! S. all day too much see it, listen to the point of no return,.. To death though, man did you say, “ hey, I hear is “ ain... Kids play, they messin ’ with me before money even came the... 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